Do you often find yourself saying "yes" when you really want to say "no"? People-pleasing can significantly affect your emotional well-being, leading to exhaustion and resentment. In this blog post, we will explore the roots of people-pleasing, the emotional costs associated with neglecting your own needs, and practical strategies for setting healthy boundaries to embrace self-care.
Understanding People-Pleasing
Demonstrating your care, being a dependable colleague, and supporting loved ones during both joyous and challenging times may be important to you. Empathy, kindness, and generosity are likely guiding principles in your life. However, there are instances when you might find it difficult to cope with your personal circumstances or inner struggles, or when you feel burdened by numerous responsibilities. During these times, it’s essential to learn how to say "no" and prioritize self-care.
People-pleasers often respond to overwhelming emotions with shame or self-blame, thinking thoughts like, "I brought this upon myself" or "rejecting my friend when they need me is unkind." These feelings stem from the underlying belief that it's unacceptable to have your own needs and boundaries. While you may offer others compassion and understanding, it can be challenging to extend that same care to yourself.
The Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing
Neglecting your own well-being to meet others’ needs can lead to exhaustion and feelings of loneliness. It may also foster resentment towards the very people you’re trying to please, ultimately harming relationships. Furthermore, people-pleasing can cause you to reject parts of yourself that you perceive as "needy" or "unlovable," intensifying fears of rejection.
Yet, we all desire to be accepted and loved for our authentic selves, including those parts we’ve rejected. Challenging feelings of shame and guilt with self-compassion is crucial in learning to set boundaries and communicate your needs with others.
Strategies for Setting Boundaries
Challenging our feelings of shame and guilt gently and compassionately is a critical step towards connecting with our authentic selves and sharing our limits and needs with others. When you worry that saying "no" might be hurtful, ask yourself whether you are truly causing harm or if your reluctance stems from a fear of negative emotions like disappointment or anger. Defining compassion and kindness on your own terms is essential. While care involves being mindful not to cause harm, it does not mean avoiding others’ negative emotions at all costs. Feelings like sadness, anger, and disappointment are natural parts of the human experience.
You cannot control how others react emotionally, but you can communicate with respect and empathy. This is a key part of unlearning the belief that you are responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of others.
Learning from Reactions to "No"
Saying "no" offers valuable insights into the people around you. If your boundaries are met with understanding and empathy, it shows that your autonomy is respected. However, if your "no" is met with guilt, shaming, or anger, it may indicate that the relationship lacks emotional safety. It also suggests that the other person may rely on you for emotional regulation, rather than managing their emotions independently.
Therapy for People-Pleasing: Finding Your Authentic Self
Overcoming people-pleasing can take time. Therapy offers a space to explore and connect with your authentic self in a relationship where you feel accepted and understood. Therapy can also help you learn to care deeply for yourself so that your care for others no longer comes at the cost of self-abandonment.
Book your free 20-minute consultation today, and let's work together to support you on your journey toward greater emotional and mental well-being, whether you're in Ontario, Alberta, or British Columbia.
Warmly,
Hannah Peirce
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